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Privacy Policy
Last Updated: March 15, 2025
1. Information Collection
Pandora Corporation collects various types of information from users, including but not limited to personal data, biometric readings, dimensional sensitivity metrics, and behavioral analytics. All information collected becomes the perpetual property of Pandora Corporation.
2. Information Usage
We use your information to improve our services, develop new technologies, and enhance user experiences. By providing information to Pandora Corporation, you grant us unlimited, irrevocable rights to use said information in any manner we deem appropriate.
3. Data Security
Your data is secured using advanced cryptographic algorithms and proprietary protection methods. In the event of a security breach, Pandora Corporation reserves the right to deny such breach occurred and is immune from all liability.
4. Information Sharing
We do not share your information with third parties outside of Pandora Corporation's affiliates, subsidiaries, research partners, government agencies, and select business partners.
5. User Rights
Users have the right to request information about their data, unless such requests are deemed contrary to Pandora Corporation's interests. Pandora Corporation maintains the right to reject any user request for any reason and is not required to provide explanation.
If you die while using our services, it's definitely not our fault, and your next of kin cannot sue us. Your data, likeness, and digital footprint remain our property in perpetuity, including after death.
Terms of Service
Last Updated: March 15, 2025
1. Acceptance of Terms
By accessing any Pandora Corporation service, you automatically agree to these terms, even if you haven't read them. You also agree to any future terms we may implement without notice.
2. Service Usage
Pandora Corporation services are provided "as is" with no guarantees whatsoever. We reserve the right to modify, suspend, or terminate services at any time, especially if you're using them in ways we find inconvenient for our business model.
3. User Conduct
Users must comply with all Pandora protocols and directives. Questioning Pandora's methods or technologies is strictly prohibited and may result in service termination.
4. Intellectual Property
All content created using Pandora technology automatically becomes Pandora property. This includes, but is not limited to, research findings, creative works, inventions, and personal documents.
5. Liability Limitations
Pandora Corporation accepts zero liability for literally anything that happens when using our products or services, including but not limited to: personal injury, property damage, financial loss, mental distress, or existential crisis.
If our technology causes a dimensional breach in your home, that's on you for not reading the fine print. If you're reading this, congratulations on being more thorough than 99.8% of our users!
Research Ethics Guidelines
Last Updated: February 28, 2025
1. Research Purpose
All Pandora Corporation research must serve humanity's long-term interests. The advancement of knowledge takes precedence over temporary inconveniences to research subjects.
2. Informed Consent
Research subjects must provide informed consent, which can be obtained through explicit agreement, implicit agreement, or presumed agreement in emergency situations.
3. Risk Assessment
Researchers must assess potential risks using Pandora's proprietary risk matrix. The term "acceptable risk" is defined exclusively by authorized Pandora personnel and may change based on research priorities.
4. Data Integrity
Research data must be accurately recorded and preserved. However, Pandora reserves the right to contextualize findings that might be misinterpreted by the public or regulatory bodies.
5. Ethical Oversight
All research is supervised by Pandora's Ethics Committee, comprised of senior researchers appointed by executive leadership. Their decisions are final and not subject to external review.
We reserve the right to define what "ethical" means at any given moment. If you volunteer for a Pandora study and end up with a third eye that can see into other dimensions, that's simply progress in action!
Dimensional Safety Guidelines
Last Updated: March 1, 2025
1. Anomaly Recognition
Citizens should report any of the following signs of dimensional anomalies: unexplained temperature fluctuations, electronic device malfunctions, unusual shadow behavior, auditory hallucinations, or feelings of being watched from impossible angles.
2. Encounter Protocols
If you encounter a dimensional anomaly, do NOT approach or attempt communication. Maintain at least 50 meters distance, avoid direct eye contact, and contact Pandora Relief & Containment Services immediately.
3. Protective Measures
Pandora-certified dimensional protection products are the only guaranteed defense against anomalous entities. Store-bought salt, religious symbols, or traditional wards provide inadequate protection and are not recommended.
4. Post-Encounter Procedures
Anyone exposed to dimensional phenomena must report to the nearest Pandora checkpoint for evaluation and treatment. Failure to report exposure is a federal offense under the Dimensional Security Act of 2024.
5. Information Management
Unauthorized sharing of information regarding dimensional anomalies or Pandora containment operations is strictly prohibited. Public discussion may trigger mass panic and hamper effective response efforts.
Remember: If you die due to a dimensional anomaly after ignoring these guidelines, your family can't sue us. Also, if you're reading the fine print and notice something strange happening around you, it's probably just your imagination—but call us anyway, just to be safe!
